Thursday, 12 January 2012

What depression feels like

For those of you that like to read Dragon Mommy as a beauty blog, I apologise for this personal post.

You know you're a burden to everyone, and you feel shame because you don't seem to be able to change it. You either sleep all the time or can't sleep at all. You either eat all the time or have no appetite. You have to force yourself to shower, or wash your hair, or change your clothes. You know this is not normal, and you can even remember when it wasn't normal for you, but you have no energy to do otherwise. You're tired all the time and you feel totally flat in your emotions. Other people tell you to snap out of it. But that's like telling a person with diabetes to get over it. They would if they could, and so would you. In a heartbeat. 

You can't think of anything that gives you enjoyment anymore, not even the things you used to enjoy. You avoid the phone, answering the door, going out with friends. You sit in a dark house and don't notice until someone asks you why it's so dark in there. You feel more like you're existing than living. You feel totally alone. You wish someone would reach out to you but you'd probably avoid them if they did, because to converse with someone is exhausting to you emotionally. You feel anxiety over things that seem silly to you. So you avoid those things until you've made your world so small that there is room for no one. And even then it never feels safe. 
Your doctor just throws more pills at you and you take them hoping for that magic pill that will help you feel normal again. But they don't. And some days you have such terrible concentration, you forget to take them anyway. You may want to die, or you may not feel suicidal but really wouldn't care if you just died in your sleep. It sounds like a relief. 
You don't leave the house and you are running out of excuses to tell people why you can't. 
Something is off. I just don't know what. If I could fix it I could. 
What doesn't help is judging me, telling me to get over it, telling me how much worse off others are, and how I should count my blessings. I know my blessings. I know people are worse off. What would help me is to say you understand, even when you don't. To offer to take some of the burden off me, just like you would anyone who is sick. To sit with me or be willing to just let me be by myself. To remind me to take my pills or see my doctor, and even drive me there. To just love me, for better, for worse, in sickness and in health. 
To my husband... Deep down the Holli you fell in love with is still there. Shes just got lost a little while. I'm sorry x

(Please note I did not write all of this. The original is from a forum I joined about depression and I have edited it to make it personal to me. I read the original and it gave me a serious lump in my throat. It is perfect symmetry of what I say in my head, and what I wish I could say to my husband.)


  1. I just wanted to cry reading this :( Such a wonderful, moving post.
    I was on anti-depressants for about 2 years and i can honestly say that before i got myself better again, it was the worst year/year and half of my life and i hope i never feel those feelings again. I hate it when people say "you're not ill..snap out of it..pick yourself up.." its not that simple. I hate it when people use the term depression to describe themselves having a bad day..
    Its awful. The lonliness, the anxiety that comes with it only makes it 10x worse.. I got to the stage where i couldn't step out of my front door :(

    Its an awful thing and more needs to be done to raise awareness of it. Theres such a 'stigma' attached to depression and that shouldn't be the case..

    Thankyou for such a great post.. :) xxx

  2. Thanks for reading Beth. I have written it down in hope I will pluck up the courage and give it to my husband when he's back at the weekend. I probably won't though. I'm glad you got yourself better :) x

  3. You write so deeply. Really comes into focus. Great post miss. Thanks for sharing

    Now following you... would love it if you could visit sometime and follow back?


  4. aww this was so sad to read. I agree with Beth, I hate the "stigma" and its so sad that some people don't think of it as an illness but more of attention seeking or something you can just snap out of. Awareness needs to be raised! Thank you for posting this Holli :) x

  5. Thank you for reading and commenting, it means alot to me x

  6. This was such a touching post, generally have tears in my eyes! Very brave lady X

  7. oh my goodness, depression runs in the women in my family. it's a terrible thing -- i wish the very best for you! you're in my prayers :)


  8. I didnt know they do polishes either.. and doesn't your husband read your blog?.. if not, you should tell him. .x

  9. No Yolandaas he doesn't read it, none of my friends or family do. x

  10. Thanks for raising this..very brave of you. I had a episode after my son was born. I didnt think it was depression because i was anxious, not really depressed..very anxious to the point of feeling sick and having constant stomach ache and panic attacks all the time, worse than having a job interview or the worst maths exam! I developed tremours.. all the time and for no reason! It was the worst 6 months ever. I lost 3-1/2 stone in two months...which sounds great, but i can tell you i was a wreck and a shadow of myself. I wouldnt eat or have the lights or heating was crazy. Ended up on strong nerve tablets and anti depressants. It took me a year to ween off them. The strange thing was I thought i was a strong and extremly confident person, I didnt recognise the person I had become. I have a good job, nice husband and house and no reason to panick. The nurse who came to see me said that the strongest, brightest women tend to get it i wasnt weak! This illness can come to anyone and it can come in different is a chemical imbalance, a real illness like having a broken leg just cant see it. All i can say is get help from a specialist doctor or nurse ideally (not all GPs undestand depression). Taking tablets is not wimping out..please ladies dont beat yourself up..and you will be back to yourself (I am and im stronger and wiser for it now).

    1. Gosh, it sounds like you had a hard time too. I'm glad you overcame it and came out the other side a stronger person.
      I want to start weaning of the anti depressants soon, I'm determined to not become dependent on them, although I have a feeling I already am.
      Thankyou for reading and commenting, it means alot :-)

  11. Thank you to everyone for reading and leaving a message :-)


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