Wednesday, 14 March 2012

Not a good day

Today's post is negative, so if you are in a chirpy mood don't continue...

Readers that have followed from the very start of my blog may know that I have been suffering with a strange lump in my neck. I have seen the Dr numerous times and been given antibiotics for months, but nothing has shifted the lump. I went to see a specialist on Monday and have been told I need to have scans and biopsies done to test for cancer. I wish he hadn't mentioned this evil word, it is all I have thought about since. I know its just a precaution but cancer? Really? My gut instinct tells me (and Mr.A) its not... but I still wish the specialist hadn't mentioned it. I have to sit around and wait for a letter for the date of my next appointment. I HATE waiting.

As you may know I have been seeing a therapist for the past few months to help with my depression. She has picked up on my unhealthy eating habits and how down I am about the weight loss coming to a stop. So she set me homework to eat more healthy meals.
She said I would notice my body being to lose weight once again and I'd be fuller, happier and more motivated.
I had to weigh myself this morning in preparation for this afternoons appointment. I felt sick and anxious before stepping on the scales. This last week has been stressful so I've been comfort eating (I have a tendency to eat hardly anything some days then eat everything in sight on a "bad" day) so I tried to prepare myself for the scales to show an increase. They did, I've put on a pound. Might not seem a lot to you but ANY weight gain to me destroys me. I cry, A LOT. I feel hopeless, like there's no point in being so strict with myself, and I feel angry at my therapist for suggesting this "homework".

After crying hysterically for about 20 minutes I pulled myself together and took Ozzy and the girls downstairs for breakfast. I put Ozzy in his Bumbo seat as usual and turned round to get a bowl. I heard an almighty bang. He had reached forward and managed to fall out, his body hit the dog cage on the way down then he landed on his back on the hard floor. It all went so fast but I managed to prevent his head from banging the floor. I screamed for Mr.A thinking he could have broken something, Mr.A took Ozzy from me as I started to have a panic attack. We both calmed down and luckily Ozzy has been okay. He's had is breakfast, milk and a sleep and is now playing on the floor with Lily. In my panic I suggested going to A&E but when I'd calmed down my instict told me he is alright. I'm going to keep a VERY close eye on him today though, any sign of something not being right and he's off to the hospital. The thought of anything bad happening to my little boy, or any of my kids, scares the life out of me.


  1. Holli-try not to worry until you have to. I know that's easier said than done but there are so many things that go on with the body. I am sending you healthy vibes from the U.S.!! And don't beat yourself up about Ozzy, that's happened to me before, and a lot of other parents. It's an accident and you are still the great, caring mother you've always been. About the weight gain-i know its hard to put it in perspective when you have all of those other feelings going on, but weight gain/loss is natural. One pound could be water weight!! Life is ebbs and flows, try to relax and enjoy your beautiful life!

  2. Thanks for reading and replying Marz, your message made me smile, thankyou :-)

  3. I hate waiting too, especially when its something potentially quite serious. Lucky that yours wasn't the evil C word. I'm sure ozzy will be more than okay, probably a little shocked. Hope things start to perk up soon! X

  4. Oh no! I hope Ozzy is ok (cutest name everrrrr by the way!) You are a great caring mum, but mums are only human and mistakes happen :) Try not to worry about that 1lb too. That probably as Marz said was water weight or you probably just burnt it off doing day to day activities! :)

  5. Yeah Im with you hun, those comments are actually rude!
    And aww all luck to you! Try to not focus on your weight, but on being healthy, just because it's good for your body :)

    I dont know if this is of any help but if you need healthy "snacks" try exotic fruits like passion fruit, lychees and pomegranet.. if you like any of those.. !

    Its better that you eat something small then nothing (on those days you dont eat)

    Take Care hun xx

  6. Big hugs Holli- it's completely normal to be anxious when the big C is mentioned. I really hope you have some good news soon or even some answers by the sounds of it. Your eating habits is probably a reaction to not having control over your current situation. Realy glad to hear your getting proper professional support. Your in good hands...big hugs xxx


  7. Thanks for all your lovely comments, it means alot to me that you have taken the time to read and reply. I know negative posts aren't exactly great to read.
    Ozzy is okay, he's back to his usually happy self :-)

  8. I hope you feel better soon huni and good luck for when your appointment comes, try not to worry yourself (I know easier said than done). Glad to hear Ozzy is okay after his fall :) Xx


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