My recent hospital visit

Some of you may know I have a re-occurring problem with my neck. A lump has appeared which causes me a lot of grief. I was referred to an Ear Nose and Throat specialist and saw her for the first time on Wednesday. 

After feeling my neck and face she asked to look deeper by using a long thin camera, to be inserted up my nose. Anyone that has experienced this before will know it IS NOT PLEASANT.

The nurse tried to keep Lily occupied in case she watched and got upset. The ENT specialist inserted this long worm thing with a light on the end, up my nose. Holy cr*p it bloody hurt! She keep pushing and pulling and as it went down the back of my throat I gagged. I hate not being able to breathe properly and had a mini heart attack in the chair whilst snotting all over the poor woman. Lily looked at me and thought it was highly amusing. I winced a little as she wriggled the camera around then felt like I was going to throw up when she tugged it out. With eyes watering, nose running, shaky hands and still gagging, the ENT specialist told me she has spotted another lump in my throat, so now there's three problems to contend with. Mystery lump number one under my jaw, mystery lump that sometimes appears on the outside of my neck and pusses (really gross!), and mystery lump number three in my throat.

Apparently she hasn't come across this before (so re-assuring...not!) so shes going to consult the cancer surgeon and she thinks they are going to have to work together and open me up. First I've got to have an MRI scan...not looking forward to that but I guess they need to see more of my throat.

As a scan won't give them the whole picture I need an operation, they need to access ALL of my neck so an incision will be made from one end to the other.... whilst telling me this the ENT specialist ran her finger along my neck and gestured pulling my skin back, up to my friggin jaw! She informed me it will be a very tricky and risky procedure, nothing like what I had before (I had a salivary gland removed in 2007). They are going to take samples of the lumps, get rid of any that are removable then sew me back up! She must have seen the look of horror on my face because she tried endlessly to re-assure me it will be okay.

I'm not convinced, no surgery is nice and the fact they have no idea what these lumps are scares the hell out of me.

So this week has been a little stressful.... I need some retail therapy...again!

Cosmetic surgery consultation & weight update

On Friday I had a consultation booked for half 1 with The Hospital Group. Unfortunately me and Mr.A had an argument over money (as usual!) , he didn't get home from work in time to take me anyway :-( The good news is, I am booking another appointment for the Friday coming up and will definitely be going to this one! Mr.A was worried I would be forced into going ahead with the procedures and handing over the cash, he knows how convincing people can be when they want to make a "sale". Money is a big worry for us at the moment but I explained to him that there is no harm in me getting opinions and using this consultation as research, and have assured him I won't be "forced" into saying yes. 

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Weight update...

I have lost a total of two pounds in the last two weeks :-) I am really pleased as I wasn't expecting to lose anything at all. With all the over eating at Christmas and lack of exercise the week before last, I was positive I would gain weight, but no! I am feeling much better now I'm back on track, hopefully the weight loss will continue and I will reach my goal of  9 and a half stone. 

Plastic surgery, your views?

I am unhappy with my body. Very unhappy. So unhappy that sometimes I can't look in the mirror. When I do I get an overwhelming urge to cut off the bits I don't like. Of course I wouldn't but I can't stand the sight of certain parts of my body. My stomach and breasts to be precise.

Pregnancy, childbirth and yo yo dieting have destroyed my body. I have the classic "baby belly"- wrinkly and saggy. No amount of exercise can shift the drooping skin, believe me I've tried. My boobs have lost their pert-ness (if that's even a word?!). I have stretch marks, faded but still visible. My husband thinks I'm beautiful but he HAS to say that doesn't he? 

Last night I broke down. I stupidly looked in the mirror wearing only my underwear. The tears wouldn't stop, I was screaming and shouting at myself, telling myself how disgusting I am. I rang Mr.A hoping he would tell me I am beautiful and make me feel better. Of course he told me how beautiful I am but that didn't stop me from crying. No matter how many times I am told I am pretty/have a nice figure etc... it doesn't change my perception of myself, it never will. Then my husband said something that DID make me stop crying...

"Next year I'm going to pay for you to have a boob job and tummy tuck. If that's what you want I will pay for it, I just want you to be happy." Of course I laughed it off, we had spoken about surgery before and how I would love to get something done but it had never gone any further than that. But it stuck in my mind... why not? It WOULD make me happy I know it would...but then I would probably start to hate other parts of my body and become unhappy again. Don't get me wrong, I know plastic surgery is a BIG deal, not something to be taken lightly. I know things can go wrong and its not a quick fix to pure happiness. If I did decide to go ahead and have a breast augmentation and abdominoplasty I would make sure I did my research and went to a reputable clinic. I am seriously thinking about it. I know we should all love our bodies and learn to like what we have but I can't. I have tried and failed, miserably. My body has become an obsession. Looking in the mirror makes me feel physically sick. I don't want to feel that way anymore...

What are your views on plastic surgery? Is there anything you would have done? Maybe you have had surgery, I'd be very interested to hear your story. 
I understand some of you may read this and totally disagree, probably even judge me and that's fine, you're entitled to your opinion.

Personal Post (avoid if you dislike swearing!)

When I started this blog it was more of an outlet for myself as I found writing down personal troubles helped me deal with what's going on inside my head. I had just started seeing a therapist for my depression and anger issues. The therapy started helping almost straight away and as there was less to blog about in this area it drifted more into beauty related posts (I'm not saying that's a bad thing and they will continue don't worry! I just felt today that I needed to write this.)

Since Christmas things have gone a bit downhill which led to a rather dramatic episode in my kitchen the other day (it involved a mop and lots of damage). 

I saw my therapist yesterday. Im under review for an eating disorder, great ay?! She said she's noticed that everything I do and the way I act is to do with food and my perception of my body. I wouldn't say its a f***n disorder though, more like a slight obsession... some days I eat alot, like at Christmas, and I was eating quite a bit of chocolate at my best friends. Then other days I will eat hardly anything as the guilt from eating before creeps in. I know its not right to replace meals with things like that and  I know I have an unhealthy relationship with food and my body. I have to keep a bloody food diary alongside my feelings and actions of the day.

Ok, reading back through this as if someone else I'm now thinking my therapist was totally right to pick up on this issue. I guess sometimes you don't see things for how they really are until you take a step back and look in from the outside, hmmm....

[ Insert swearing here ]

I wanted the title to be a whole line of profanities but thought some readers might be offended...

I need to de-stress, let off some steam, chill out, calm down.... you get the picture.

Me and Mr.A have argued quite a bit lately, over money. MONEY!... I hate the stuff, it causes more arguments in our relationship that anything else. Whenever things start to get a bit tight towards the end of the month Mr.A decides he wants to save. Fine by me but Christmas is in just over a week and we've had presents to buy! Each week we have to get petrol and food, a couple of quid is spent here and there and before you know it your skint. This happens to us EVERY week, even more so since the Christmas present buying began. I'm sick of having the same disputes with him, nothing changes. Why can't we just be good with our money and save?! I guess I'm just frustrated at the moment, Mr.A is too and we take it out on eachother.

What prompted this post was something really silly... Since we got Alfie (Springer Spaniel puppy for those that might not know) he has managed to put holes in every single pair of leggings that I have by jumping up in excitement and nipping. I've had to buy new pairs of leggings and I put on a brand new pair today. I came downstairs and what does he do? Yes, you got it... jumped right up and caught them causing a hole. Can I find a needle and thread? No. So me being the idiot that I am, got out the "Shoe Goo" (super sticky silicone glue) and decided to glue them back together from the inside. I've left them to dry, who knows what they will turn out like. If I've ruined them I will punch myself.

Another thing that's really irritated me today is to do with calling Mr.A. Why is it, that when you reaalllyy want to speak to someone they never answer? Then other times they ring you at the most inappropriate moments! I wanted to talk to try chill out or get him to promise me a needle and thread when he gets home. But instead I get answer phone, I bet he's in camp playing his Xbox, lazy sod.

On a happier note, I cant wait for Christmas day! Seeing the kids excited little faces as they spot all the presents Santa has left under the tree makes me emotional every time. I'm not looking forward to all the wrapping though, I am the worlds worst wrapper, seriously. I literally just roll the present up in the paper then cover it in tape, a 2 year old could wrap better than me. We are going to my mums on Christmas Day and staying for a week, its a 3 hour drive but I'm thinking the roads will be empty, fingers crossed that they are.

I'm going to end this post with some Christmas photo's to cheer me up :-)

(I apologise in advance for the last photo but it made me giggle!)

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Hahaha, sorrrrrrryyy!

EDIT- I forgot to add I lost my LUSH virginity on tuesday! Can you believe I have never entered a Lush store before? The overpowering smell has always put me off. However, after seeing so many bloggers writing about their products I decided to go in. I think I must have been looking a bit lost (plus it was so crowded in there!) because a lady came over and asked if I needed help. I told her I wanted something for my lips as they are so dry, she showed me some bubblegum lip scrub, it smelt amazing so I bought it. Then Lily spotted one of the pink star wands for the bath, the lady gave us a demo and Lily asked me to buy it so I did (she also asked if she could eat it and was less than amused when I said no and laughed at her). I only bought the two items as i wasn't meant to be shopping for me. I am very impressed with both though and shall definitely be going back after Christmas :-)

 

(I couldn't be bothered to photograph them myself  (lazy bum) so have used the pictures from the Lush website)

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30 Day Challenge- Day 8, Me getting fashion wrong

Today's challenge was a little difficult as all my fashion faux-pas' are from my younger days and those photos are all at my mums. Out of all the photos I have here this is the one that makes me go "Urgh! What was I thinking?" the most.

I was about 18/19 years old here (and god knows how many pounds heavier!). What on earth was I doing paring a brown dress with jeans and a non matching denim jacket?! And don't even get me started on the hideous belt!

I haven't worn jeans for years, i just don't think they look good on me. This picture confirms why I think that! 

Christmas Favourites Tag

I saw this over at Birds Words and decided to do it for myself. I TAG all of you reading this, so if you decide to do one for yourself, let me know and i will have a read :-)

Oh and again, apologies for so many posts in one day! I think I have virtual "verbal diarrhoea" haha.

1. Favourite Christmas song? "I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus" by The Ronettes. Always gets me in the Festive mood!

2. Christmas Colour? Red...with sparkle :-)

3. Favourite Reindeer? Whichever one it is that trumps in the film "Santa Clause" (the one with Tim Allen) hehe.

4. Favourite Christmas drink? Baileys, mmm!

5. Favourite Christmas food? My mums home made stuffing.

6. Favourite Christmas movie? Father Christmas by Raymond Briggs. Its animated and I've watched it every Christmas since I was little.

7. Christmas Eve or Christmas Day? Christmas Day definately.

8. Favourite thing to do at Christmas? I love coming down stairs on Christmas morning with the kids and seeing their little faces light up!

9. Favourite Christmas Memory? I remember I woke up at about 5am once, my mum and dad had told me I wasn't allowed to wake them until half 6 at the earliest so I sat in my bed watching the clock counting down each second until I could run into my sisters room and go open our presents!

10. Favourite Christmas tradition? Listening to the album "A Christmas Gift For You" by Phil Spector whilst decorating the tree :-)

Get to Know Me TAG

After a hectic evening I've decided to chill out and read some blogs. I came across this, thought it might be fun to do. Let me know if you do one too, I like to get to know my fellow bloggers :-)

Vital Statistics:

*Name - Holli

*Nicknames - Hol

*Birthday - 3rd January

*Place of Birth - Burton Upon Trent, UK

*Zodiac Sign - Capricorn

*Male or Female - Female

*Occupation - Full time mommy

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Appearance:

*Hair Colour - Dark brown with a hint of red

*Hair Length - Short crop

*Eye Colour - Bluey green

*Best Feature - Hair

*Height - 5'5"

*Braces - Never had them

*Glasses - I have some that are just for watching t.v /  seeing things far away

*Piercings - Ears once

*Tattoos - Stars going down my back with a heart at the top, a matching tatoo of the word "Gypsy" in hebrew with my best friend (our nickname for eachother, we are not gypsys though!)

*Righty of Lefty - Righty

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Your "Firsts":

*First Best Friend - Ermmm I think a girl called Kimberley in reception

*First Award - Oh crikey i don't know, probably something in primary school

*First Sport You Joined - None, i hated sports

*First Real Vacation - Spain when i was 18

*First Concert - Pink

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Favourites:

*Movie - Disneys The Little Mermaid

*TV Show - True Blood

*Colour - Red

*Song - Thats a hard one, ermm... probably Evanescence, My Immortal. Such a moving song.

*Candy - I'm more of a chocoholic

*Restaurant - TGI Fridays

*Store - H&M

*Book - Busters Diaries (i think thats its name) It a book written by a dog lol

*Magazine - More magazine

*Shoes - My Christian Louboutins

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Currently:

*Feeling - Anxious to go shopping

*Single or Taken - Married

*Eating - Nothing

*Listening to - The hum of the laptop

*Thinking about - Going to bed

*Wanting - To get all my Christmas shopping finished

*Watching - Nothing

*Wearing - My big baggy granny nighty! (its comfy and husbands not here so why not?)

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Future:

*Want children? - I have 3

*Want to be married - I am

*Careers in mind - Foster Carer

*Where do you want to live - Anywhere where my friends and family are

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Do You Believe In:

*God - No

*Miracles - No

*Love at first sight - Not love but attraction

*Ghosts - Not sure

*Aliens - I think so

*Soul Mates - Yup

*Heaven - No

*Hell - No

*Kissing on the first date - If it feels right

*Yourself - Unfortunately no, even though I should

30 Day Challenge- Day 5, An Outfit That Is Totally Me

This challenge isn't very specific so "an outfit that is totally me" could be something I have already or clothing I don't have but would be something I'd choose. I'm going to go with the last idea :-) This outfit is something i would wear during the day whilst out shopping or something.

I would wear everything above, I am always in leggings, whether they are black, brown, shiny, sparkly, patterned... I think they are so versatile and comfortable. Oversized jumpers are really popular this season and I love them! The one above is so pretty with its subtle sparkle. Im really into skulls and crosses at the moment so the bag and earrings are perfect. I already have two skull scarves but I'd love this off-white one. I have some biker boots like the ones above by Firetrap but I like the grey colour of these ones from New Look. I wear mine all the time, I love them! 

Feeling sorry for myself

Four years ago i had a gland in my neck removed. It had developed calcium stones so my salivary gland was blocked. After having it removed the scar wouldn't heal, so i was back for a second operation to clean out any possible infection. Since then its been fine, up until 2 months ago that is...

A lump started to appear in my neck, underneath my scar, it was painful and after about a week the lump had come onto the outside of my neck, it was red and nasty. The Dr prescribed me antibiotics which didn't help. The lump got bigger, more painful then started to puss and bleed (sorry for the grossness!). A different lot of antibiotics were given to me which cleared it up within a week. 

A week ago today my neck started hurting and i noticed under my scar was going hard. A few days later it was a lump again which turned into another red, sore lump on the outside of my neck, The Dr has prescribed the antibiotics that worked before but double the dose this time. If the lump is still there in 2 weeks i am to have surgery again :-(  So now i am taking 8 tablets, along with an anti depressant in one day. I was warned they might aggravate my stomach...might?! 

I was up last night puking my insides up! My stomach felt as if someone was twisting it round and round then poking it with something sharp. I couldn't even keep water down.

This morning the kids woke up early, husband had to go off to work and we had no food in the house. I mustered some energy to get the kids ready to go to the local shop. Just as we were about to leave i rememberd Mr.A had my bank card. This was half 9 in the morning, kids were starving, i was dizzy, baby whinging, dog chewing my new leggings...i wasn't a happy bunny. Mr.A promised me he would come back from work so i only had to wait half an hour. Half an hour turned into 2 and a half hours. By now the toast (with no butter on!) that i had given to the kids earlier had stopped doing its job of keeping them satisfied and they were driving me crazy.

Eventually Mr.A arrived with food (hurray!) and my bank card. He apparently got held up at work, understandable, the Army can be idiots sometimes. 

I decided after my crappy night and even crappier start to the day I deserved a treat....

Chocolate and gossip mags :-)

I have only taken one antibiotic today and so far dont feel sick. I've only had 3 chocolates though just incase.

Was looking forward to going Christmas shopping at the Metro Centre tomorrow but it looks as if Mr.A can't get the day off work, his boss is being a meanie (to put it nicely).

What makes you feel better when you are feeling sorry for yourself?

More photos from Newcastle

Im usually in bed by now but Ozzy has woken up and isnt showing any signs of going back to bed any time soon so i thought i'd blog.

My friend just posted these on facebook so i thought i would share them with you, they are much better than my photos :-)

Amy (my sister) left, me right.

Me hiding behind a birthday card, i have no idea why...

Lou, me, Jade

Me and Louie

Me looking rather blue

I'm such a happy person!

In case anyone is wondering what makeup I wore here's the list...

Face- Bourjois Healthy Mix foundation, Vivo Bronzer, MAC Dainty blush.

Eyes- Rimmel liquid eye liner in black, NYC metro quartet eye shadows in Manhattan. Dior mascara, Eyelure eyelashes (can't remember which ones, sorry)

Eyebrows- HD brows

Body- Laurens Way tan, Molten Brown shimmer dust (which they don't sell any more unfortunately)

I really hope the little man goes to sleep soon, i am so tired! 

Meet my babies and the new addition!

Today i thought i would introduce you to my kiddies, Willow, Lily and Ozzy (yes thats his real name, not short for anything!) Willow is 6, Lily 2 and Ozzy 17 weeks.

Ozzy

Left to right- Willow, Lily and my nephew Harvey.

In other news, we have a new puppy! Both me and my dog Charlie were missing Eddie so we decided to get a springer spaniel pup, he's 9 weeks old and so hyper! Hes into everything and such hard work. I dont mind though, hes so cute and such a bundle of fun. Its really hard to get a decent photo of him as hes always running around!

Meet Alfie...

Looking abit scared in the car on the way home

Having a kip after his busy day

I was abit worried that it might feel as if we have replaced Eddie at first, and maybe it seems that way a little but we're not. No dog could ever take the place in my heart that Eddie had. Charlie was pining after him, wasnt eating, not his usual self and i was in bits. It made me feel so bad that Charlie had lost his best friend. Im keeping in contact with Eddies new family, they said hes settled in fine and doing great. Im so glad its all turned out okay, the last thing i wanted was for him to end up in a dogs home.

Oh yes, nearly forgot... I came home today to find a DHL failed delivery notice. The only parcel that i think it could be is my Louboutins! Im so gutted i wasnt in, they are being re-delivered tomorrow though so watch out for my post on them :-)

Domestic Violence- My Story

I know this is long and i apologise, thankyou in advance if you manage to read it all....
I received a letter from my therapist today with the date of my next appointment. I havent seen her for 3 weeks, we have both been away. I have only had two therapy sessions so far but i already feel they are helping. My Dr suggested therapy for me to help deal with my depression. Id been offered this service before but felt silly to accept. The images i had of therapy before i started were like what you see on the t.v, a crazy person sitting on a couch with a stern looking shrink holding a clipboard, making notes whilst you chat away. I was suprised to find it wasnt like that at all. Its more like a lesson for me, a laid back lesson. The lady i see is so friendly and easy to talk to, she explains why my thought on life are so negative, she makes alot of sense. I go away after each session with homework feeling more positive each time. My homework consists of things like writing down feelings and emotions in certain situations and making note of how those situations make me feel before and after they have happened.
The main thing i have learnt so far is that my depression and the difficult relationship i have with my eldest daughter is that they have stemmed from my past, part is to do with the negative relationship i had with my dad as a child but its mainly down to the abusive relationship i was in from the age of 15 to 18...

Image from deviantart.com


In the 6 weeks school holidays before i went into year 10 i met a boy through a mutual friend. He was in the same year as me at the same school but we had never really noticed eachother before. It started out as a normal boyfriend girlfriend relationship that most 15 year olds have. I had never been in a relationship before so this guy was my first everything. After 3 months he said he loved me, we spent everyday together, wrote eachother soppy letters and thought we would 'be together forever'. Things soon turned sour though. He became controlling and started calling me names during arguments. I assumed it was normal...the controlling behaviour was because he loved me, the name calling only happened because we argued.

The first time he showed violence towards me was outside my house, we had got into an argument over whether he was going to spend the day with me or his best friend. He was always different infront of his friends, made out i wasnt important. It got a little heated and he ended up kicking me, quite hard in my leg.My sister who was there at the time told my mum but i quickly denied it. His friend who was also there, said nothing.
I remember the second time he was violent, although this time it wasnt towards me, but our mutual friend. It was over something really petty and came from nowhere, my boyfriend ended up pushing him off his bike, putting his head to the kerb and stamping on it. I was stunned and had no idea what to say or do.

Over time things between us got worse, he started spending more time away from me but didnt allow me to see my friends or decide i was going to spend time away from him. I spent the next 2 years being strangled, headbutted, kicked, slapped, fingers bent back trying to break them. He told me i was worthless, nothing witout him, ugly, fat, not as pretty as his ex girlfriend. But to me i needed him, i loved him...life without him would be unbearable.

The week before we were to start 6th form (and after he openly admitted to cheating on me with a random girl and giving his number to a waitress) i couldnt get hold of him. His mum (who disliked me) told me he was in wales with his dad. Until i showed up at his house to find him wearing a scarf. His excuse was that he was cold, but he had no trousers on... just boxer shorts and a tshirt. An argument erupted and the removal of the scarf showed a huge lovebite. His excuse for this was a male friend did it as a joke. I believed him, stupid stupid girl.

Not long after this i found out i was pregnant, at the same time he admitted the love bite was from his ex. I felt my world had been destroyed, i opted for a termination. His mum was furious with us, she wrote me a long list of reasons to abort our baby. Suprisingly, he objected, he WANTED me to keep it, he cried...he showed emotion id not seen before. He promised me all would be ok, he was sorry for cheating. So, believing his lies once again, i kept the baby and continued in 6th form.

I was 8 months pregnant when everything came to a head. He had been ignoring me, i was isolated from friends. I was pretty much alone, all i had was him. He had been treating me exceptionally badly the past few months, told me how good his ex was, how she was so much better in bed than me. Turned out, hed been seeing her all throughout my pregnancy and had even told her i wasnt pregnant, i was making it up. In a hormonal, emotional outburst i practically ran to his house to confront him. It was late, i was a mess, i had a huge bump. His mum let me in. His friend was there, playing on the computer. My boyfriend took me aside, i was calm, i asked him to explain. He hit me, hard in the face. I fell onto the bed. He dragged me up and threw me against the stair railings on the landing. His friend hid in the bedroom too shocked to do anything. I curled into a ball whilst he repeatedly punched and kicked me in the face, head and bump. Where was his mum in all of this?

Standing there watching.

A neighbour came round to see what was going on, my boyfriend soon stopped and his mum told me to get out. I ran as quick as i could to find my mum in the car, looking for me. Police were called, i was taken to hospital.
I had pre-eclampsia to go along with my bruises. The baby needed to come out asap.
We both very nearly lost our lives.
We spent awhile in hospital, my boyfriend wasnt allowed anywhere near me, he had to keep to his bail conditions while the assault was going to court.
Not long after i was home from hospital we met up. I was forced to have sex with him, with stitches down below. I had to do it though, i had to prove i loved him (his words not mine). One day he contacted me from a payphone, asked me to call him the next day at a certain time, so i did. He cancelled my call. I tried again and again, what was going on? He eventually answered and said nastily "stop calling me" i was furious! He asked me to ring him! I sent a text message telling him how i hated him, how he had ruined me. That evening the police knocked at my door. I was arrested.
Apparantly, my boyfriend had never been my boyfriend, i was stalking him, harrassing him. Turns out, he had been at the police station when i rang him, he was telling them all about me, how i wouldnt leave him alone. What a coincidence, the time i was told to ring him was the time he was giving a statement.

I was distraught. I didnt bond with my baby, i didnt want to eat, speak to anyone, nothing.

Everything went to court. His mum and friend lied, said i had caused my injuries myself by thrashing about. He was found not guilty.

We soon got back together and saw eachother secretly. No one knew except us. To everyone else we were just civil for the babys sake. He had kept his fists to himself for awhile until i told him it was over asi had found out he had another girlfriend who knew nothing about me.
He punched me several times in the middle of the road infront of his friend, who once again, did nothing.
I called the police again but it was me against him and his mate.

If it wasnt for meeting my friend (lets call her Emma) i would probably still be with him now, suffering his manipulation, or maybe even dead.
Emma and i became close,she was everything i wanted to be, fun, confident, a hit with the lads, fashionable. She hated my ex boyfriend and i started to hate him too. She became my best friend and through her i met someone.

It took awhile but i got over my violent ex. He didnt like this and decided to beat up my new boyfriend. He was actually found guilty of this though. He continued to contact me using the excuse he wanted to see his daughter. He came round a few times but it became clear he wasnt interested in her but trying to bed me.
I found out he was beating his new girlfriend. I contacted her, she confided in me. I gave her the courage to speak to the police. Thankfully she got away from him before anything serious happened.
My relationship with the new boyfriend ended after awhile, but i came away confident, stronger, happier and with the strength to stand up for myself.

Not long after, i met my now husband and couldnt be happier with him and our children. My eldest doesnt see her biological father (or sperm donor as i like to call him) since she was a tiny baby, she knows about him and understands my husband didnt make her, but she loves him to bits and calls him daddy.

My violent relationship went un-noticed by friends and family for years. No one had a clue what was going on. And i am not alone.
Domestic violence is not always physical but mental and sexual too. It affects more than just the woman in receipt of the violence, friends, families and children are all affected in one way or another.
You may have read this and thought 'what an idiot, staying with him' 'why didnt she just leave him?' and believe me i ask myself that sometimes. But at the time it seems there is no way out.

* Up to one woman in four is affected by domestic violence at some stage in their life.

* More than 500,000 women are affected each year.

* Domestic violence results in the murder of more than a hundred women each year.

* Violence within same sex relationships and from women to men is not unheard of, but the vast majority of domestic violence (estimated at over 80%) is perpetrated by men on women.

* The police receive an estimated 360,000 999 phone calls each year connected with domestic violence by men against women.

* Domestic violence occurs across all ages, ethnic groups and social classes.

* 54,000 women and children are given protection in refuges each year.

* Despite the number of incidents reported, according to the latest figures prosecutions undertaken by the Crown Prosecution Service only numbered 13,000.

* This number represents only about 15% of the estimated arrests in suspected cases of domestic violence.

* Disabled women are twice as likely to suffer domestic violence and more likely to endure abuse.

(Bulleted facts from guardian.co.uk)

Image from tumblr.com


Purple is the coloured ribbon to raise awareness for domestic violence, along with child abuse, anti gay bullying, animal abuse, eating disorders and homelessness. See more here.

I have made my own purple ribbon for you to put on your blogs. If you are against domestic violence or any of the above, please add this and link back to this post.
Let me know when you have and i will add your name and link to the bottom of this post to show who is in support of raising awareness of domestic abuse.

Womens Aid 24 hr helpline-0808 2000 247
To find out how you can help thousands of women and children click here.


Domestic violence has to stop

Hello!

Hello and welcome to my blog. I've been umming and ahhing over whether to make this blog for a few days now...its taken me ages to finally do!
I guess I should firstly introduce myself so here goes...
I'm holli, 23 years old, married to a soldier with 3 beautiful children, 2 daughters ages 6 and 2, and one son who is 3 months. I have two dogs ( who drive me mad!)... A pomeranian and a bichon frise. I have a crazy hippie-esque mother who has a strange obssesion with leather bags at the moment, a dad who is old enough to be my grandad that spends 24hours a day on the computer and speaks to no-one... And a gobby wench of a younger sister that drives me up the wall, but i love her to bits.
Im sure these people will crop up along the way, including my husband who is probably the craziest out the lot...we shall call him Mr.A.

Heres a bit of background history on little old me...
I grew up as the eldest out of two daughters, had a happy childhood. i met a boy at 15 and got pregnant with my eldest daughter, left 6th form halfway through and got rid of the boyfriend (violent tw*t), argued with my parents alot, moved out, met my husband, had our daughter. Got married (a year ago) and moved up North because of the Army, then we had our little boy.
Thats my life in a nutshell minus ALOT of drama, but im sure that will crop up in posts over time!

Now the whole reason behind this blog is to help myself. I have suffered with depression since the birth of my eldest (i blame the ex boyf!) Unfortunately i declined any help and over the years its got slowly worse. I now have OCD to contend with and signs of schitzophrenia according to my Dr (although this is yet to be offically confirmed) and before you think 'holy moly, shes got two personalities!' i haven't... Schitzophrenia isnt the same as multiple personality disorder, its more about thought processes... More on that another time though. Ive recently started therapy and found that writing things down really helps, hence the blog! Im sure theres other people out there like me and im hoping they will somehow come across my blog and maybe give me the oppurtunity to have a chat, share problems and advice etc... I havent made this for sympathy, thats the last thing i want, this blog is simply my release.

Oh and don't worry, this blog wont be full of depressing posts, i plan on writing about other things that interest me like makeup, fashion, food and my weight loss journey :) Might start that subject abit later, the screen is hurting my eyes!

So anyone that wants to chat or maybe any questions feel free to comment or email me, im a friendly person and love a good chinwag! :)

Oh yeah, almost forgot... I love reading other peoples blogs! So if you have one or know a great one then please let me know!

Thanks for reading :)

Holli x